There are over 164,000,000 million of them out there. The boat sailed eight years ago and the tide’s out now. Everything that can be written, HAS been written…in less than ten words.
Now, if you’re still insanely driven to say things in a big way, like getting internet famous, keep reading. The reason why I am NOT internet famous, is because I have yet to follow one rule I’m about to give you.
But that’s me. You’re YOU. You’ve still got a shot. So let’s start with WHY people search blogs in the first place.
Now if you’re already writing a popular blog, all of the above criteria have been met. And as you also know, strong attention and execution of any one of the three will drive traffic to your site. You stick to the formula: Stay focused on what you’re promoting, until you’re famous. Then it doesn’t matter. Then you can write about anything.
I’m not famous and not focused. I hop from format to format, subject to subject, hoping something will set fire in a colossal way. If it does. You’ll know it.
Okay, the thirteen magic rules…
1. Do NOT use more than 600 words to describe anything!
On rare occasions, like your birthday or bacon in bed, you can go to 800. But keep 800 super limited.
This article will take 1200 words. I like to seriously explain shit even if no one is reading it.
2. Do not use profanity!
Unless you’re a woman. In which case, spice your content with a smidgen of sexy words. Boldness impresses men and other women. It show’s you’re not afraid to swim with sharks but you’re still a lady in a wet suit.
When I curse, it just shows bad taste and turns away People-of-Faith, which I am not, but should be. I’d like to fit in somewhere.
3. Post content at least three times a week.
Make your site a destination. And give things away. Everyone wants and needs CERTAINTY and free stuff. If you can provide it, you’ll be popular.
I post once a week and give away IDEAS. So far, that product hasn’t exploded in sales. I’d write more often, but I need to let the content simmer for re-writes and polishes. I don’t have an editor.
4. Use an editor.
No matter how many times you read your words you will not catch all the mistakes. Also, an objective opinion will help keep your article lean, focused and engaging.
As I said, I don’t use an editor. I’m afraid she’ll tell me my stuff sucks and then I won’t have anything to submit on Wednesdays. So I blog blind and reckless. If I didn’t, I’d get bored following the rules, all thirteen of them.
5. Stay on topic week to week.
If you have a writing blog, write only about writing. If you blog about guppies, write only about tiny fish…until you get famous. Then you can write about sleeping on the couch after a fight with said spouse. Or you can spew heartbreak over a break up. You know, the juicy stuff!
I’m roped off from juice. My wife made me promise to keep her out of my blogs, and I’d be too embarrassed to get intimate, even if I HAD permission. So my posts aren’t racy, even when I make up drama for my mock therapy sessions. Since you all know it’s not real, you don’t immerse into the trauma. I understand. I hold back red meat…and sushi.
6. Keep it simple.
Make sure all information describes no more than three steps to total success. Whether it’s true or not, we all want to believe it.
I have issues with bending the truth. If achieving certain goals is hard for me, I assume it’s hard for you too and I’ll describe the obstacles. I’m not popular in the cheer leading department. But losers love me.
7. Keep it positive.
Explain how ALL problems can be solved, WILL be solved, and QUICKLY. That’s what Can-Do leaders do: they convince us we need to be close to them. And super-star bloggers do the same.
Again, not my style. I grew up in a Jewish neurotic family where we all pondered the worst possible outcomes, EVERY MORNING. This training makes me a great manager, since I conceive the problems and avoid them before they happen. But examining the downside flattens any encouragement I might give.
Really though, I AM positive, but in risk-averse ways. That approach doesn’t shine with inspiration. Maybe I should lie more.
Mommy blogs perfected family drama down to a science. Misery loves company. The more you expose your domestic fights and bad sex, or a yelling match with your six year-old, the more people will relate and commiserate with you.
One stipulation: you have to be a woman to pull this off. Guys complaining they don’t get enough sex, marriage or not, is a total yawn…unless you’re famous.
Every time I get personal, I get boring, the unfortunate result of a happy marriage.
9. Don’t whine.
Unless it’s about domestic abuse: YOURS! Everyone wants to hear about that. And make sure you explain how you GOT EVEN, that universal fantasy about justice being served. But by no means, resolve anything! There should never be an ending to your blog.
My character Irv, HE whines. Or actually, he frets, but about ethics and doing the right thing. Nobody cares about doing the right thing. Everyone knows what that is. What people want to hear about, is doing the WRONG THING. That’s much more interesting. People in jeopardy have much more entertaining blogs.
10. Respond to only a few comments, IF you get comments at all.
This selective response gives the impression that the people to whom you DO respond, are special and they will return for more of your manipulated validation.
Since I’m lucky to get even one comment, I answer it. Besides, Mommy always told me to answer when spoken to.
11. Ask a question at the end of the article which needs to be answered with a comment.
This tactic doesn’t work but do it anyway. It gives people the impression you’re going through the motions of caring about them, or more importantly, their Google traffic.
I don’t ask questions. I give advice, which alienates everyone.
12. Don’t give intellectual advice.
People hate that. They want simple solutions to pressing problems. If you’re stealing their time to explain all the “why’s” and “how’s”, it’s time that could be spent surfing other people’s blogs for better answers.
As you noticed, this article is INTELLECTUAL ADVICE.
13. Use pictures in your post and reference the source.
Or if you can, buy the licensing for a nominal fee. It’s standard practice to use pictures. No one likes to read but everyone looks at pictures, especially naughty ones.
Too many times I steal photos. If my blog ever gets famous, I’m busted. I’m hoping that happens soon…the FAMOUS part.
Photos “borrowed” from websites: The Guardian and She Knows Living
This article was originally published on Curiosityquills.com.