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Nov
08

How to Write about Nothing

This post is going to be short. For once I’m going to follow that never-break blog rule: Keep it under six hundred words!

And the reason I’m keeping it under 600, is because I can’t think of a single inspiring thing to write about.

But you readers out there, you keep coming back for MORE…and more…and more! Jesus! Every week, you want something entertaining and provocative.

Well I’m plum out of PROVOCATIVE. All of my recent ideas…junk. So what the hell am I gonna write about now?

Humm… Humm… Hummmmmmmmmmm…

Oh! Got it. Found the topic. What I’ll be writing about today is: What I WON’T be writing about!

So here it is, the list of lousy blog topics that didn’t make the cut.

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I won’t be writing about how to write and research that new, break-out fiction genre – Amish Erotica. (I almost did but then I thought… I’ll insult my one and only Amish fan.)

I won’t be writing about how important it is to VOTE, because by the time you read this on Wednesday, the election will be over with more work to be done! But I won’t be writing about that either.

I won’t be writing about which party I support. Nope. Won’t do it. Ever.

I won’t be writing about WHY I won’t tell you. But I have this gnawing need to be liked by everyone, even Republicans.

I won’t be writing about how I still can’t spell and that I couldn’t find gnawing in the dictionary ‘cause I was clueless about how to even start that word.

I won’t be writing about how I finally found “gnawing” by looking up chewing in the Thesaurus that comes with my computer, and that I use that thing every time I pretend I’m a writer and it’s sort of like cheating but I don’t care.

I won’t be writing about how dyslexia slowed me down in second grade reading class to the point where I hated all words growing up. And I still don’t like to read that much. But I do, especially election ballots.

And I won’t be writing about how reading resistance was increased ten-fold because my folks never read to me when I was a little. Okay…twice. But I never did find out what happened to Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-Tail. (This explains why I’m terrified of Uncertainty!)

I won’t be writing about how I carry grudges, like forever. I wrote three tell-all books titled Irv’s Odyssey and my family and old friends still don’t know Irv exists, OR his novels. (Remember? I want to be liked.)

I won’t be writing about how I still look at movies of other people having sex after all these years and that ALL my penis-bearing buddies do too. But you can’t actually talk about that. You have to work it into the conversation with, “Have you noticed that Safari now has a “Private Browsing” function?” which we all know is code for, Hide Porn.

I won’t be writing about how happy I am that I still WANT to look at porn after all these years and that no place in my house will you find a box of Viagra or Cialis. (Maybe I’m denying that I’m in denial about that.)

I won’t be writing about that finally, I now understand what that dumb commercial is all about – the one where three guys fishing are stuck in a boat in the middle of a lake and one of them needs to pee like hell, when he really doesn’t.

(And if you’re wondering why my Avatar depicts me at 26, well…there IS a difference between body and Soul. Nope. Won’t be writing about that either.)

I won’t be writing about how I started a blog to sell books and that I discovered one thing has nothing to do with the other… unless you’re famous already, which I am not, but wanna be.

I won’t be writing about how confusing my “brand” Irv Podolsky is when it’s a pen name AND a character name and that the character and the author have two different “voices” and that I switch them around just to fuck with your mind.

And I’m not going to tell you that I’m reluctant to use profanity in my blogs for fear of offending even one follower, but that I went back and changed “…mess with your…” to “…fuck with your…” so I can convince myself that I’m brave and self-assured about something that nobody really cares about. (Yes, I have risk-aversion.)

But what I WILL state right here and now, is that I blew past 600 two hundred words ago and I broke my promise. But hey, I cranked out some personal stuff and if you’ll be back for more, I’ll be here for YOU!

 

This post was originally published on Curiosityquills.com.

 

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