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Oct
04

Confucius say: It Ain’t Funny

confucius with nameThis week I’m giving you somebody else’s brain burps. Whoever that someone is, he or she or them is really smart. Their wit came to my wife yesterday in a forwarded email filled with Confucius Say jokes. Generally I hate forwarded jokes but these tickled my mind, and then I thought, Got nothin’ else to write about. I’ll write about Confucius, and like, what makes a joke funny.

Now I’ve got a few ideas about that and I bet you do too. So first, let’s look at those ten emailed Confucius gags and we’ll take it from there.

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Confucius say:

It’s okay to let a fool kiss you,

but don’t let a kiss fool you.

 

Confucius say:

A kiss is just shopping upstairs

for downstairs merchandise.

 

Confucius say:

It is better to lose a lover

than love a loser.

 

Confucius say:

Man with a broken condom

is called a Daddy.

 

Confucius say:

Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,

doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

 

Confucius say:

A drunken man’s words

are a sober man’s thoughts.

 

Confucius say:

Marriage is like a bank account.

You put it in, you take it out,

and you lose interest.

 

Confucius say:

Viagra is like Disneyland –

a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

 

Confucius say:

It is much better to want the mate you do not have

than to have the mate you do not want.

 

Confucius say:

A joke is like sex.

Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

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I hope you haven’t heard these quips before. I hope you laughed. And if you didn’t, well…I didn’t write them. And I’ve never read a joke manual either. But I bet, and I’m pretty sure about this, that when a joke works, when it strikes us as droll and amusing, it’s because the writer surprised us.

But that’s not enough, is it?

When a joke really works, the twist of a concept is intelligent and layered with multiple implications. We can’t be smarter than the joke. It has to be rich with messages and universal enough to speak to many cultures, so I’ve been told.

I’ve also been told a witty joke reflects the irony of truth.

It’s hard teaching people how to write about irony and double entendre when they don’t think that way. If none of these jokes I showed you seemed funny to you, consider yourself part of the strictly literal world and take up chess.

But I don’t give up easily. So we’re gonna take a look at more internet jokes, the ones that DON’T work, and figure out why that’s so. If you think they’re funny, I won’t hold it against you.

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monkeys

Confucius say:

Girl who slides down bannister,

makes monkey shine.

 

What? Whatever these words are trying to tell us, the association of “monkey” with anything is way too much of a reach. Is this about sexual anatomy? Or does this mean that sliding down a banister is female masturbation and accordingly, that particular woman would want more monkey shine sex? Who knows? Whoever combined these convoluted ideas assumed the rest of the planet thinks like he does. Yeah, I said “he.” No woman would write this shit.

There are thousands of jokes about both sexes written by both sexes. And if you analyze them, you’ll find that the provocative jokes, the really funny ones, describe relationship issues rather than snubbing all men or women.

Ruthless Us & Them comedy is funny to those who feel threatened by the implications of the joke. A laugh about a scolding statement comes from a mental moment where we say, I-wish-it-were-so. And sometimes people laugh as they think, I wish I had said that.

Put-down jokes are angry, fearful, and elitist. My heart goes out to the Poles and anyone who’s ever changed a light bulb.

 

Confucius say:

He who sleep on bed of nails,

is indeed a holy man.

Another flat joke. Why? Because it’s simply a word play with “holy.” This concept doesn’t convey a deeper meaning about you and me, so we don’t care about it. That’s right, we’re all thinking about ourselves.

Well…maybe not moms…and dads…  I’m not a mom or a dad. Where did everybody go?

 

Confucius say:

He who refuses to listen,

is lying.

So NOT funny. And it’s not funny because it doesn’t imply anything more that what it says. What DOES it say, anyway? This one probably comes from the monkey shine guy.

 

Confucius say:

Man who dates dynamite lady,

gets big bang out of her.

This joke is lame, sexist, in bad taste and predictable. Then again, it’s true. I married a dynamite lady.

 

Confucius say:

When a man steals your wife,

there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Good advice but I find this tacky for a number of reasons.

Again, it’s sexist, implying that the husband had no responsibility for his wife’s affair, that she was totally to blame, disloyal, and not worth saving. Why? Because she’ll cheat again with her new lover, which is probably the case.

But why is this story written about a wife and not her husband? Guys cheat too. Why all these mean jokes about the other sex, ‘cause husbands get booted too. Why can’t we all be nice? ‘Cause really, there are lots of funny things to observe about gender behaviors where nobody’s the bad guy.

 

Podolsky say: Observe and be funny. Don’t judge the sludge!

 

happy_marriage

Confucius say:

A relationship is the opportunity

to do something you hate with someone you love.

This one particularly ticks me off. It’s negative, ambiguous, obvious and stale; as opposed to my favorite:

 

Marriage is like a bank account.

You put it in, you take it out,

and you lose interest.

There’s so much going on with these words.

 

Marriage is like a bank account.

Okay, this means that a committed relationship is a tangible investment and safety net. Yea! Can happen! But we all know marriages and bank accounts are fluid and take dives. So in the back of our minds we’ve added uncertainty to the joke and are ready for the next progression of logic.

You put it in, you take it out,

Great. We’re talking SEX here. But alas, we also know that money going in an out of an account too frequently could lead to a bad loss. We make a mental note to check the stock market and proceed to the punch line.

and you lose interest.

Ha! Ha! We get  it. With enough sex, it eventually gets old! And the economic analogy is also true: Depositing and withdrawing our money before it can grow into a larger sum yields less interest. And if we think about marriage in this way, we realize that bonding for sex alone without nurturing the relationship and letting it expand will generates a hollow, unfulfilled union. We will lose interest in our spouse or partner. And the reverse is true.

All this wisdom packed into just eighteen words. And when we laugh about the thoughts, we’re saying to the jokester, “You got me. I didn’t see this coming. So clever!”

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So here’s another wisdom for the road, and it applies to telling bad jokes.  Stand up & audience

 

Confucius say:

The wise speak when they have something to say, 


the fools speak when they have to say something.

 

Originally published on Curiosityquills.com.

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